Do you like shrimp? How about jalapenos? Cream cheese? Rice? of course you do. So, would you be surprised that you can make some wicked sushi using those ingredients? When a lot of people hear sushi, they think about eating a chunk of shitty raw fish. Well, for those not in the know, the "sushi" in sushi describes the style of rice used, and nothing else. What does this mean? Well, if you take sushi rice, and stick a fucking pizza in it, it is sushi. So get that stupid raw fish shit out of your head, you can make sushi out of anything. Also, its really easy, check it out.

First things first, you need some sushi rice. How do you make that happen? Well, get some calrose rice from any grocery store and prepare it according to the directions. Next, to transform it into sticky rice for sushi you add a mixture of rice wine vinegar, sugar, and kosher salt in a 2:2:1 ratio. 2 parts RWG, 2 parts sugar, and 1 part kosher salt. Heat this solution in a microwave for a few seconds and stir it to make sure the solids dissolve, then dump it on the rice, and stir it around to coat all the grains. Then let it sit until it is room temperature. This could take nearly an hour if you don't want to sit in fan it like Japanese peeps might do.



Next, you need a plate full of some kinda shit to put in the sushi. This could be literally anything... chicken, bear meat, tears from a witch, captain crunch cereal, a phone book, your dead grandmother's ashes, anything! I like shrimp, jalapeno, and cream cheese so I will use that. Also, I will use crab meat, cucumber, and avocados, to make classic California rolls.



K, so you got your rice and all yer shit together, now you really only need some nori, or seaweed sheets. These sheets do not have much flavor in my opinion, and are primarily used to hold everything together easily, almost like edible string or paper or something. I also use a sushi mat, what is nothing more than small bamboo sticks tied together. This is not required, and you could probably use damn near anything instead, or nothing, it just makes it a little easier to roll.

So, you lay down the nori shit, shiny side down, and spread some rice on it. A thin layer of rice only, or your rolls will be huge. maybe 1/4" or less in thickness on the rice layer will suffice. Next, pile some of your crap on there, and just roll it up.

On the California rolls, you want the rice on the outside instead of the nori. So to do that, lay down the nori, add your rice to it, then turn it over. I wrap my sushi mat with plastic wrap to it doesn't stick too much. Then pile you stuff on as normal and roll.

Next, take a really sharp knife and wet the blade, and cut the roll in half, then cut each half into thirds. Toss all the pieces on a plate, and if you want, get you some soy sauce, wasabi, and ginger to complete the experience.

So, sushi doesn't have to be confusing, scary, or difficult to make. Its quick and easy and can be made out of anything. Maybe you could make a great big huge one and stick your sister in it!

The finished product!!

...and yes, I fucking already know that some of the rolls on the plate appear to have fallen apart. I was balls deep into the beer when I made these. Plus, you don't have to eat it I do, so take your opinions and wipe your dick with em.