Do you like being raped? I don't. Particularly when it is sphinctorial in nature. I am sure most people don't enjoy rape very much, that is probably a safe assumption. This being the case, I recently began to wonder why I allow T-Mobile to fuck me in the ass each and every month. You think I am being dramatic? You think the comparison is far fetched? The dictionary includes "an outrageous violation" as one of the definitions of rape.

Let's 'anal'yze together.

I currently subscribe to a T-Mobile minutes plan that no longer exists. It is called "NW Get More w/Nts". I don't recall why it is called this nor does it matter, because you can't get it anyway. The plan boasts 600 "whenever"minutes, to be used (I assume) whenever I choose, 50 additional "loyalty minutes" (why do I have the suspicion that everyone gets these, no matter what) , 300 "GPRS SMS Bucket" messages, and 50 incoming text messages. All this for only $39.99 a month. Wow, what a bargain! Additionally, I pay $2.99 for the "T-Zones" service, which affords me 30 "messages", and allows me access to T-Mobile's shitty version of the "internet". So, $42.98. Still a bargain, at any price.

T-Mobile is then gracious enough to provide me with a few extra advanced features:

First, there is the "Federal Universal Service Fund", which only sets me back a cool 70 cents! This feature, courtesy of the Clinton Administration, allows low income families free or cheap phone service, because let's face it folks, getting a fucking job is just too god damned hard, so let's give them free phone service. Also, part of this fund allows the government to make sure that rural area have access to the same types of advanced communications as the urban areas, because again, we have to face facts here, if you live way out in the middle of nowhere, you clearly need the government to steal money from me, so that you can call aunt Betty for her prized minced raccoon pie recipe. Thanks Bill Clinton, you are a fucking wizard!

Next we have the "State Universal Service Fund", which is merely $1.53. Hey, wait a sec. What the fart? I thought I just paid that? Oh, far be it from the shitpipe feds to share any of my dough with the state. But wait another second. If the feds are taking my cashola to support rural area, what exactly is the state needing to support? Hmmm, now I am no Rhodes Scholar, but I am starting to think something maybe I am being duped. Well fuck it I guess, the government do know best.

"TIF Reimbursement" - 54 cents. Well, I suppose that's not too much, and Tif does need her money. How else can she buy those herpes meds, what with today's medicine prices? Oh wait, it is only the "Tax Increment Financing" reimbursement. What's Tax Increment Financing you ask? Well, quite simply it is plan where your local government assumes taxes will go up, so they go ahead and spend the extra money now, to improve city infrastructure such as landscaping, park improvements, building sidewalks, etc.. So since taxes will go up, they use the future profit now to build items to insure that taxes will go up. WHOA, hold on there Johnboy. If I am paying to reimburse the money they are spending based on what they will take from me in the future, then aren't they getting my money twice, not to mention the fact that I am being charged this fee by talking on a a cell phone? My cell phone allows my government to steal my money to build shit for themselves, so that they can then turn around and tax me more? Bastards! Clearly they are far smarter than I could ever hope to be. I guess I should go get some more learning. Oh yeah, also, stay the hell away from Tif, her cooter is probably atomic by now, since we are not reimbursing her for the herpes meds.

"State 911" is only 50 cents, WOW! I'll take 2 please! Sure, this is self explanatory, or is it? What exactly is my 50 cents for, and why is it so darn cheap? 911 sounds important, it should be at least $3... you get what you pay for. Shouldn't I be able to opt out of this? I'm pretty sure I could still dial 911 from my phone if I didn't pay this fee. Well, on second thought, I guess I figured it all out. The 50 cents must be what they charge for putting the 9 and the 1 key on all these cell phones. OK, that makes sense. No Worries.

Next we have the "Regulatory Programs Fee". Well its only another 86 cents, and it is Capitalized, so it must be important. T-Mobile has included a nifty footnote for this fee that says "*Fee we collect and retain to help cover our costs related to funding and complying with government mandates, programs and obligations." Now wait just a minute there Mr. Mobile! You keep this fee for yourself, to help you comply with all the bullshit that I just paid for? Wow, you sir, have brass balls the size of coconuts.

And last, but certainly not least, we have our old friends State Sales Tax and Local Sales Tax. $2.72 for the state, and 85 cents for my local town, because I have not given them enough already, with my new park, my advanced phone features for its poor citizens, and my sweet ass 9 and 1 buttons.

My grand total? $50.68 cents, for my measly little 39 buck plan. Are you angry now? I think you might be, if you didn't know a lot of the things we just covered. So are you angry? ARE YOU? Good. because I have not gotten to the best part yet.

I have paid for all this fancy shit for 10+ years. I am tried of being ass raped balls deep by T-Mobile. In an average month, I use anywhere from 75-125 minutes, and maybe a few text messages here and there. My plan? Pre-paid.

I ordered my pre-paid activation kit 2 days ago from T-Mobile. Cost me all of 9 bucks. Nine! Now all I have to do is pay 100$ for a "gold" level minutes card featuring 1000 minutes, and I will no longer pay a single fucking solitary dime for ANY of those magical fees, ever again. On top of that, instead of paying the plundering ass pirates $608.16 cents a year, I will pay them $100.00 a year, for a realized profit margin of $500 annually, if you pro-rate the cost of the card. Additionally, since its T-mobile pre-paid, I get to stay on T-Mobile's network, which appears to be the most reliable for me.

Now are you mad? I thought so. Would this work for everyone? Probably not, but everyone should take a good hard look at whether or not pre-paid could work for them. Analyze your last 12 cell phone bills, and take the total amount of minutes, and see if you can't get a better deal. Go do it, RIGHT NOW!

Take your fees and wipe your dick with them T-Mobile. I am free.


..oh one last note here. I made this post today because my perpetual 2 year contract with T-Mobile ends at midnight tonight, 3 hours and 8 minutes from right now, and that is when I will convert over to pre-paid. Jealous? Of course you are, don't lie to yourself.