Do you like being raped? I don't. Particularly when it is sphinctorial in nature. I am sure most people don't enjoy rape very much, that is probably a safe assumption. This being the case, I recently began to wonder why I allow T-Mobile to fuck me in the ass each and every month. You think I am being dramatic? You think the comparison is far fetched? The dictionary includes "an outrageous violation" as one of the definitions of rape.

Let's 'anal'yze together.

I currently subscribe to a T-Mobile minutes plan that no longer exists. It is called "NW Get More w/Nts". I don't recall why it is called this nor does it matter, because you can't get it anyway. The plan boasts 600 "whenever"minutes, to be used (I assume) whenever I choose, 50 additional "loyalty minutes" (why do I have the suspicion that everyone gets these, no matter what) , 300 "GPRS SMS Bucket" messages, and 50 incoming text messages. All this for only $39.99 a month. Wow, what a bargain! Additionally, I pay $2.99 for the "T-Zones" service, which affords me 30 "messages", and allows me access to T-Mobile's shitty version of the "internet". So, $42.98. Still a bargain, at any price.

T-Mobile is then gracious enough to provide me with a few extra advanced features:

First, there is the "Federal Universal Service Fund", which only sets me back a cool 70 cents! This feature, courtesy of the Clinton Administration, allows low income families free or cheap phone service, because let's face it folks, getting a fucking job is just too god damned hard, so let's give them free phone service. Also, part of this fund allows the government to make sure that rural area have access to the same types of advanced communications as the urban areas, because again, we have to face facts here, if you live way out in the middle of nowhere, you clearly need the government to steal money from me, so that you can call aunt Betty for her prized minced raccoon pie recipe. Thanks Bill Clinton, you are a fucking wizard!

Next we have the "State Universal Service Fund", which is merely $1.53. Hey, wait a sec. What the fart? I thought I just paid that? Oh, far be it from the shitpipe feds to share any of my dough with the state. But wait another second. If the feds are taking my cashola to support rural area, what exactly is the state needing to support? Hmmm, now I am no Rhodes Scholar, but I am starting to think something maybe I am being duped. Well fuck it I guess, the government do know best.

"TIF Reimbursement" - 54 cents. Well, I suppose that's not too much, and Tif does need her money. How else can she buy those herpes meds, what with today's medicine prices? Oh wait, it is only the "Tax Increment Financing" reimbursement. What's Tax Increment Financing you ask? Well, quite simply it is plan where your local government assumes taxes will go up, so they go ahead and spend the extra money now, to improve city infrastructure such as landscaping, park improvements, building sidewalks, etc.. So since taxes will go up, they use the future profit now to build items to insure that taxes will go up. WHOA, hold on there Johnboy. If I am paying to reimburse the money they are spending based on what they will take from me in the future, then aren't they getting my money twice, not to mention the fact that I am being charged this fee by talking on a a cell phone? My cell phone allows my government to steal my money to build shit for themselves, so that they can then turn around and tax me more? Bastards! Clearly they are far smarter than I could ever hope to be. I guess I should go get some more learning. Oh yeah, also, stay the hell away from Tif, her cooter is probably atomic by now, since we are not reimbursing her for the herpes meds.

"State 911" is only 50 cents, WOW! I'll take 2 please! Sure, this is self explanatory, or is it? What exactly is my 50 cents for, and why is it so darn cheap? 911 sounds important, it should be at least $3... you get what you pay for. Shouldn't I be able to opt out of this? I'm pretty sure I could still dial 911 from my phone if I didn't pay this fee. Well, on second thought, I guess I figured it all out. The 50 cents must be what they charge for putting the 9 and the 1 key on all these cell phones. OK, that makes sense. No Worries.

Next we have the "Regulatory Programs Fee". Well its only another 86 cents, and it is Capitalized, so it must be important. T-Mobile has included a nifty footnote for this fee that says "*Fee we collect and retain to help cover our costs related to funding and complying with government mandates, programs and obligations." Now wait just a minute there Mr. Mobile! You keep this fee for yourself, to help you comply with all the bullshit that I just paid for? Wow, you sir, have brass balls the size of coconuts.

And last, but certainly not least, we have our old friends State Sales Tax and Local Sales Tax. $2.72 for the state, and 85 cents for my local town, because I have not given them enough already, with my new park, my advanced phone features for its poor citizens, and my sweet ass 9 and 1 buttons.

My grand total? $50.68 cents, for my measly little 39 buck plan. Are you angry now? I think you might be, if you didn't know a lot of the things we just covered. So are you angry? ARE YOU? Good. because I have not gotten to the best part yet.

I have paid for all this fancy shit for 10+ years. I am tried of being ass raped balls deep by T-Mobile. In an average month, I use anywhere from 75-125 minutes, and maybe a few text messages here and there. My plan? Pre-paid.

I ordered my pre-paid activation kit 2 days ago from T-Mobile. Cost me all of 9 bucks. Nine! Now all I have to do is pay 100$ for a "gold" level minutes card featuring 1000 minutes, and I will no longer pay a single fucking solitary dime for ANY of those magical fees, ever again. On top of that, instead of paying the plundering ass pirates $608.16 cents a year, I will pay them $100.00 a year, for a realized profit margin of $500 annually, if you pro-rate the cost of the card. Additionally, since its T-mobile pre-paid, I get to stay on T-Mobile's network, which appears to be the most reliable for me.

Now are you mad? I thought so. Would this work for everyone? Probably not, but everyone should take a good hard look at whether or not pre-paid could work for them. Analyze your last 12 cell phone bills, and take the total amount of minutes, and see if you can't get a better deal. Go do it, RIGHT NOW!

Take your fees and wipe your dick with them T-Mobile. I am free.


..oh one last note here. I made this post today because my perpetual 2 year contract with T-Mobile ends at midnight tonight, 3 hours and 8 minutes from right now, and that is when I will convert over to pre-paid. Jealous? Of course you are, don't lie to yourself.

Quick update - the plot thickens!

So I called Monday about my ticket, and of course they were closed... President's day. Yay, I salute you George Washington.

I called just now and they told me that the Texas DPS usually does not turn in their tickets for 3 weeks. THREE FUCKING WEEKS! Ok, ok, ok...the problem is that you have to do something about the ticket within 30 days, or all hell breaks lose! What the fuck? Are you kidding me? They fuck around for 3 weeks, but I have to do something about the ticket in less than 30 days?

I made a remark to the girl on the phone about that cutting it pretty close, and she agreed, and said it would be cutting it very close. She said the best I can do is to call back at the end of next week and see if they had my information yet.

When I asked about deferred disposition, she asked if I was over 25, and since I was, she said I would have to post a bond for $301 (The amount of the ticket was only $160 mind you.) then at the end of 90 days if I didn't have any further citations, it would magically disappear, as if a timid little leprechaun swiped it, stuck in his pouch, and made his way back over the rainbow.

I plan to wipe my dick all over the money before I give it to them, that was I will have the upper hand.

This past Saturday I was en route to my hockey game. The game was at 10:30PM which means I leave my house at 9:00PM. I go through two toll booths on the way to the rink. As I was approaching the second toll booth, I see a Texas State DPS trooper flip on his lights. Fuck! I immediately begin to slow down and pull over. At the time I was going around 75MPH, which is of course, in excess of the speed limit. The speed limit at the time was 60MPH.

I do not know if you have ever driven on a toll way in Texas, but people appear to assume that since they pay, they can drive any speed they want. The average overall speed of the normal flow of traffic is between 70MPH and 75MPH. If you do not go this speed, it can be dangerous. Sure, I understand that this does not mean that it is OK by any means to go more than 60MPH; I am simply stating a fact.

Anyway, so in typical fashion when dealing with law enforcement, my initial reaction is to freak out. This stems from when I was a young adult and may or may not always have been on the correct side of the law. Being a typical teenager and constantly being intoxicated in a vehicle almost every day or doing other unmentionable things sort of trains your mind into getting nervous around the "po po". Ok, so I take my seatbelt off, then I think, damn, now he will think I wasn’t wearing it, so I put it back on. Then I pop open my console to dig out my insurance. In the middle of doing that, I realize I also need my driver's license as well, so I shift gears and start looking for my DL. At this point to the cop, I figure I look like a meth head trying to stash my junk, so I just kinda sat there doing nothing until he walks up. I also should have turned on my dome light so he could clearly see the inside of my truck, but of course, I forgot to do that as well.

So he gets to the window, and I hand him my DL. He says the reason he stopped me is because I was entering a 45 mile an hour zone, and that the only reason I slowed down is because I saw him sitting there. This is problematic on both fronts. The express lane parts of the toll area are 60MPH zones. The side where you have to go through a booth or give money is 45MPH. So strike one, he was lying. I have a toll tag and was cruising through my 60mph side; I was CLEARLY NOT entering into a 45MPH zone. Additionally, since when it is a crime to go get close to another speed limit zone at a certain speed? Technically if I was going 60MPH (the speed limit) in his proposed scenario, I would still be at fault. Plus, if I was close enough to the 45MPH zone for him to be concerned, he would have written the ticket for 75 in a 45, and not in a 60. Next, I did not slow down because I saw him. I did not slow down at all! Strike two, another lie. If he had not gotten behind me to pull me over, I would have gone 75MPH (along with everyone else) until I got to the hockey rink. I suppose this one could be a perception call, but I did not have my foot on the brake, and I had no intention of slowing down. After telling me those two things, he said "this is going to be a ticket, so I will be right back." He went to his car, got the ticket prepared, then came back and explained that it was not an admission of guilt and all the other crap they lay on you. I signed the paper, and he tore off my copy, handed it to me, and walked away! He mumbled something under his breath that I could not hear while walking away. By the way, they were using CARBON PAPER! CARBON PAPER!!!!!!! What? Really? 2008 and and this jackoff is making impressions on carbon paper so I can have a copy? What the fuck does he do with his part of the docuement, make a mimeograph of it and put it in his cabinet? Come on Highway Patrol, get out of the 60s and get a fucking computer. The city cops in all the surrounding areas use hand held wireless computers, and wireless printers to produce your ticket, and they ride fucking motorbikes! But I digress...

Great, now what? Was I done? I didn't have a clue, so I dicked around for a few minutes in the truck acting like I was filing papers or some shit. He turned off his red and blues, and sat there for a little while, and then he put his car in reverse and backed up maybe 50 yards. I assumed this meant that I was free to go, so I did.

Ok, so he did not ask to see my insurance. I had it in my hand when he came back with my ticket, and I tried to sort of hand it to him, and he said "That's ok, I don't need that." If there is a law in the state saying you must have it, they should damn sure ask for it. No wonder so many people just don't give a shit. Next, what happened to the good old days, when the city cops were dicks, and the Highway Patrol guys were cool. A long time ago, the fuzz would always ask you who you have in the car with you, where you are going, why you are going there, why you are going so fast, what items do you have in the car, can they look around, etc.. This is what I have grown to expect from officers.

This guy did not give a single squirt of liquid shit what I was doing. It was 9:45 at night, it was 40 degrees, and raining, and I was wearing shorts and a MetallicA shirt, and I hadn't shaved in a couple of weeks, and I had a huge green bag in the back seat of my truck. Fuck only knows what I could have been up to. I would have interrogated me for at least a good 15 minutes on exactly what the hell I was up to. What if I had 100 pounds of crack cocaine, automatic weapons, and a bomb in the bag? This doucher would not have had a clue.

Now, I am a law abiding citizens, and the law enforcement professionals are not my enemy. They exist to protect and serve taxpayers such as myself, and this piss stick was only concerned about writing me a ticket? What if the next guy he stopped really did have a huge bag of contraband? This pole smoker would have let the guy skip right through his fingers. Rather than taking 60 seconds of his time and potentially becoming a local hero, this dill weed's neglect and shirking of duty could be partially responsible for something really bad happening.

So now I can go to court, and fight the ticket, and probably easily get it dismissed since the guy was such a monkey dong, and in the process make him look like a real bell end for totally shirking, and possibly make him think about his actions next time he gets bored. I truly have no motivation for doing this. The guy was not really rude, short of not saying goodbye, verifying that the procession was over, confirming that I could then leave. He was just not a very good communicator. I am almost certain that he did not even identify himself when he approached my window. There was a brief few seconds, where I had my doubts that this guy was even a legitimate law officer.

The easiest course of action appears to be to enter a "deferred disposition". So I sign a piece of paper, pay the fine, and not get another violation for 90 days, and the whole thing magically disappears.

Texas converted to a "points" based system in 2003, so that you get "points" assessed to your driver's license for each violation. After so many points, your insurance rates can go up, and they assess an exorbitant fee just to renew your license. This being the case, practically everyone who gets a violation is going to try something to make it go away, whether it be fighting it with a lawyer, doing deferred disposition, or taking defensive driving. It would seem then, that the patrolmen should simply hand out deferred disposition citations. Seems like this might be a better method of handling this, and that way you still punish the repeat offenders.

The system is corrupt. It is setup so that tickets mean nearly nothing since most of them magically disappear after 90 days, but the city or county still gets the full amount of the fine. What kind of shit is that? It almost makes me sick to my stomach to think about just pleading "no contest" and having it go away, yet they make it so damn hard to go through the process of fighting it that it’s counterproductive. It is a sad state of affairs when a fleet of once mighty Highway Patrol officers who were highly respected are demoted into ticket jockeys who only generate revenue for their respective counties. Shame on you Texas. Shame shame, I know your name.

I upgraded my computer to a monsterous beast. the last time I built a computer was in 2003, and a friend upgraded his so I figured it was probably time to upgrade as well. My last computer was a mini cube style, and I pretty much left it as built for over 4 years, wihout any upgrades. I had been noticing that the internet had more or less outgrown my computer. When I went to normal web pages like weather.com, the animated maps would use 85% of my processing power. So I bought all the shit to build a new one. Cutting edge. New Operating System and all. I built the box out and its fantastic. Real fast. Windows Vista is pretty shitty, but I can deal with it I suppose until Microchunk can come out with something better.

Anyway, so I got the new box in place, and just was not quite happy for some reason. The solution? Redo the entire room. I moved my desk along a different wall, moved my MAME cabinet into a corner where it probably should have been since birth, and performed a little bit of Feng Shui on my couch. I am completely satisfied with the results. it is like being somewhere else when I am at my computer. New computer, new surroundings. Its great. Funny how moving things around can make a room seem larger.

Hmm, this is not a very good post. I am not exactly sure where I was heading with this. I'll do better next time, I promise.

I think I may have posted about honesty before, I honestly don't remember 8-).

Ok, I am an honest person, but I was challenged to the tune of $500 dollars a couple of days ago. Would I take the easy 500 and walk away? Of course not. I prefer to look at it as buying $500 worth of karma.

I got a call from the Yamaha dealership, they had sold my motorcycle. Woot! In case you haven't been keeping score, they have had my bike on their lot for several months on consignment. Between you and me, I don't think they were trying very hard to sell it, which makes sense because they were only getting 10% of the sell price, whereas if they sold their own bike, they get all the money. Anyway, they sold my old motorcycle for $2000. Their cut was 10% which was $200, so I get $1800. Guy hands me the check, I start to walk away. then I stop.

In order to get the bike in tip top shape for selling, I had them do some work, and as you could guess, it was $500 worth of work. So I ask the guy if the check he gave me already had the repair work taken out. Maybe they sold the bike for $2500 or something. He has no idea. So we go talk to the guy that handles repair payments, he has no idea. The problem is, they somehow lost all the paper work associated to the repairs. They had no record of it in their system. Another chance for me to just walk away, and keep the extra $500. Nope, can't do it.

I tell the guy that I have to pay for the repairs. They scramble around for 15 minutes and come up empty handed. They were starting to get that look on their look on their faces like they may just tell me to go, and they will eat the $500. They explain how their system is shabby, etc... Eventually, their account lady or whatever comes back from lunch, and they get her working on the case. Eventually, she was able to track down one document showing the repairs, and the charge, but the charge had been closed out, so it appeared that I owed nothing. I assured them that I did not pay for the repairs, and that its only right that I settle up.

They thanked me profusely for my honesty, and offered to cut me another check with the repair amount out of it, in lieu of paying with a credit card or having to deal with it later, after I deposited their check. I accepted the new check and walked out with $1300.

I am pretty sure I could have gotten away with it. After all, it wasn't my fault, and I think they were willing to accept the fact that they were going to lose that money because they had bad record keeping. Kind of like that whole "Bank error in your favor, collect $200" situation in monopoly.

Be honest with yourself here... what would you have done?

My thought process was that maybe they would figure it out when they did some sort of quarterly close or an annual reconciliation or something, and then come looking for their money, well after I had spent it all on useless crap. Either that, or I would have $500 worth of bad luck coming my way. Either way, it was not supposed to be my money, so I made sure I didn't get it.

Yay, the Super Bowl is over. Am I happy about this? Yeah, sorta. The only team I hate worse than the New England Patriots is the New York Giants. I was glad to see someone finally knock the Patriots off their high horse, but I was sad to see that it was the Giants. I was glad to see that when the Giants’ Plaxico Burress predicted the score, cocky jaundiced ass face Tom Brady laughed it off, suggesting that the Patriots would get well over the amount of points Burress had predicted, but I was sad to see that it was the goofy retarded less talented floaty-eyed Manning brother Eli that put Brady in his place.

I was able to profit 22 bucks on the game. I put 10 bucks on tails on the coin toss. Tails never fails. So I started the game up 10 bucks. I also had a $50 parlay on the Patriots -12 and the over, which was 54.5. I could tell in the first 5 minutes of the game that this was going to be a losing bet. So, I took the 20 bucks I had from the coin toss, and parlayed Giants +6.5 and the under 24 for the second half, and won 82 bucks, for a whopping profit of $22, which was enough to cover almost half of the cost of the pizza I bought for my gang.

The only real loser in the scenario was the viewing public, who was subjected to an absolute snoozefest, and one that not even 144 ounces of CH3CH2OH could liven up. Oh wait, I take that back, Tom Brady and the entire Patriots organization, which assumed victory for two full weeks prior to the game, were the real losers.

Anyone who reads this blog knows that I enjoy observing interesting human behavior. There are plenty of posts on the subject. If you are interested, go dig through the archive. Anyway, there is this lady at work that arrives at roughly the same time as me almost every day. I do not know her name, and she does not know mine, and we never speak to each other. Some days, I will follow her in the door. I could write an entire post about my secret door navigational logistics, but I will save that for another time. So, the yesterday morning, I park my truck, and I see her approaching the door. Then she turns around and goes back to her vehicle. I correctly assume that she has lost of forgotten her card key. I sit in my truck for maybe a minute or two listening to something on the radio, then head for the door. When I get about 85% of the way there, she comes up behind me and asks if she can follow me in because she doesn’t have her card key. I say no problem. I open the door and let her in, and then I go in behind her. Now, usually when I enter a door with someone else, I immediately go the opposite direction as they do to alleviate any unnecessary pressure, but my knee was hurting so I went the same way as she did. Maybe 10 steps inside the door she starts talking about the wind. Is it supposed to be windy all day? Wasn’t it windy all last week?

Shit. I opened the door, and now I am expected to give meteorological data? Damn it! This is why I always go the other way.

What is it about people that make them feel the need to make chit chat? If she had her card key with her that day, neither one of us would have been saying anything. So, apparently she had a certain level of discomfort that made it feel necessary to say something. It is interesting to wander around and take mental notes of when people feel compelled to make small talk. That way, if there is ever a scenario where it should be happening, but isn’t, you can make it happen yourself. Also, it might be wise to get a degree in meteorology. It would probably make for a fun time if someone mentioned the wind, and you went off into a 15 minute diatribe about pressure gradient forces, the Coriolis effect, Eolian processes, and baroclinicity.