I hope everyone enjoyed their time off. Did I? Well, sorta. I really enjoyed my Vegas vacation. I saw Blue Man Group at the Venetian, which was awesome, Bill Maher at the Hard Rock which was killer, and Cirque Du Soleil's "O" which was not so great. Maybe it was ok, but the other Cirque shows I have seen made O look like a cheesy 80's porn film or something. Plus I fell asleep, so how good could it be?
I think I broke even in terms of gambling. I probably made more sports wagers than anything else, although I spent a fair share of time at slot machines, killing time waiting for other stuff. Breaking even might not sound all that great but it means a few things. 1 - I did not lose any money. In fact, I may have come out ahead... I did not really keep track too well. 2 - it means I basically generated free "points" towards comps and reduced rates on rooms and whatnot. 3- it means I was able to have free fun and kill time and drink free liquor.
I got drunk a lot, which was fantastical on every level. Getting all shit faced and wandering around in public to me is always good times, but doing it in an adult playground like Vegas just takes things to a new level. I got drunk and hopped on the roller coasters at New York New York and at the Sahara. I took pictures with my cell phone while on the New York New York coaster, but they turned out looking like this...
Anyway, so I said "sorta" enjoyed. What do I mean? I always have trouble merging back into reality after a vacation, as I am sure most people do. This time seems particularly hard though. I got back Sunday, then even had Monday and Tuesday off, and I still don't feel back to normal. Something seems different now, and I am not sure what it is. I am stuck in some sort of funk. I really hate Christmas time, and "the holidays" in general, so I am sure that is part of it.
When I think about why I hate the holidays, I may not really dislike them at all, but just enjoyed past holidays more than any recent ones. I don't particularly celebrate any holidays like I used to. I don't have a Christmas tree or any decorations, I seem to only buy presents for my parents, which usually ends up being gift cards to Sephora for my mom, and Home Depot for my dad. I enjoy buying them the cards, and I suppose I feel swell about giving. I don't exchange gifts with my best gal any more, because we usually opt to save the money and go on a vacation instead as a gift to each other.
On Christmas day I just kinda sat around the house wondering what to do. I went outside for a few minutes and it reminded me of about 50 different things that I have experienced on past Christmases?, Christmass?, Chrismii?, and that I missed doing them greatly, so much so that I was overcome with odd feelings, and did not know what to do.
When I am not on vacation during the holidays, and I spend time with my family, it is almost a downer because I have lost a lot of relatives, and have become quite disconnected from my family unit, so it just doesn't have the magic that it used to, and that upsets me greatly. I don't know exactly what I am trying to say, or what this means. I think I may begin a journey of self discovery of sorts and and see if I can figure some shit out.
I suppose things must change over time, and I have worked really hard this year on learning to accept change, and deal with it, and turn it into something groovy, but I can't seem to shake to the blues after this holiday. So, going to Vegas was absolutely wonderful, but now all I can think about is how much I need to go back, and when is the next time I can make that happen.
I have considered pulling chocks, and going off to somewhere else, in a different state, just for an extreme change of pace. I have very simple logistics... I don't have a whole lot tying me down here. I could literally pack up a bunch of shit and move to somewhere else tomorrow if I felt the urge was right. My gal is the same way, she can get a job anywhere, and we don't see our families a lot. It would almost be the opposite of now. Instead of going on vacation to somewhere else, we would just live somewhere else, then vacation back to here to visit family and friends.
I just don't know. I know that nothing is wrong with me. I just feel... weird, or something. Not necessarily stressed or worried or anything like that... just odd. I would hate to think that I am living in the past, but I spend a lot of time now thinking about how to have as much fun now, as I used to, or seem to used to have. I am not talking about trying to recreate anything from the past, its just that I have a lot of interesting memories, and it seems like these days, I spend less and less time doing things that will create fond memories for the future. I could write maybe 3 large novels from the good times I had from age 3 to 25, then from age 25 to 29, it seems like it would maybe be a single novel if I was lucky, then from age 29 to 33, it would only be a a short story or maybe even just a pamphlet. I suppose 3 to 25 is 22 years of time, which is nearly 3 times the other two portions added together.
Does this happen to everyone? Is this simply part of growing up or old? Will the next 15 years of my life be able to create as many memories as age 3 to 25? Does it have to be that way? Is there a better way to maximize our time?
What the fuck is going on?
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